Tempus Fugit
by starbuckfaerie21
Summary: Set immediately after "Grief and Ghosts." Alex and Joel attend her mother's funeral.


Tempus Fugit

 **Disclaimer:** Sadly, I own neither _Saving Hope_ nor Daniel Gillies.

 **Pairing:** Joel & Alex (Jalex)

 **Rating: T**

 **Summary:** Set immediately after "Grief and Ghosts." Alex and Joel attend her mother's funeral.

 **Author's Note:** Line of dialogue taken from 02x08: "The Defriender."

The smell of coffee woke Joel Goran from sleep. He reached an arm to the other side of the bed, expecting to touch Alex. But the bed beside him was cold and empty. He blinked a few times and glanced at the clock on the nightstand.

 _4:00am_.

 _What's Alex doing up already? She could sleep for at least another two and a half hours._

 _And then he remembered._

 _The phone call that she received just as he'd arrived home the night before._

 _The one that had left her grief-stricken and devastated._

 _The one from her brother Doug telling her that her mother had died._

And suddenly he knew that Alex probably hadn't slept at all the night before.

Joel got out of bed and went into the master bathroom, and then walked downstairs, still yawning.

He came into the kitchen, and poured himself a cup of coffee.

"Hey, Reid," He said softly, as he saw her sitting at the kitchen table wearing the same pair of jeans and blouse that she'd been wearing the night before. "What are you doing?"

She didn't reply her attention focused on the pad and pen in her hand. After a few seconds she still hadn't said a word so Joel came up behind her and laid his hand on her shoulder, and she jumped, startled, finally registering that he was in the room with her.

"I didn't mean to wake you," she said her voice just above a whisper, "There's coffee."

Joel nodded and took a sip from his own cup and then poured another for Alex and putting it on the table next to her. "You didn't." He replied, kissing her softly and tucking a loose strand of her dark hair behind her ear as he spoke, "What are you doing?" He asked a second time, confident that he'd get a response now that he had her attention.

 _Why does time move so fast when you have so much to do?_

 _What's that saying?_

 _She'd learned it ages ago in high school when she was forced to take Latin._

 _Tempus fugit._

 _Time flies._

"Making a list of all the things I have to do today. I have to get the kids up…Call Doug…Call Dawn to take the day off work…Get Luke and Charlotte on the bus…"

"Alex…" Joel interrupted softly, placing a gentle hand on her arm.

"We can take Theo with us…I have to shower and get dressed…I have no idea what I'm going to wear. But it's not like my Mom's going to notice right? Not that she ever did…."

 _Alex, I'm so sorry that your mother never told you what an incredible woman you are._

 _I'm sorry she hurt you so much._

Joel knew exactly how she felt because his father never failed to make him feel the same way.

"I have to call Malanda to see if she can be here this afternoon in case we're not back by the time Luke and Charlotte get home from school…"

"Alex…" Joel said, a little louder this time, interrupting her once more."

"What did I forget?" She asked breathlessly.

 _She looks exhausted._

"Nothing." Joel answered softly. "Did you sleep at all?"

Alex shook her head, "No I couldn't. There's too much to do anyway."

Joel gave her a reluctant nod, "Have you eaten?"

As she replied, Joel thought he saw a hint of a smile on her lips. "Does the coffee that you just poured me count?" She asked pulling him toward her.

"No Doctor Reid, it _definitely does not_. And I know what you're doing."

"Oh really and what's that?" She whispered, brushing her lips against the mole behind his ear as she spoke.

 _Alex Reid you saucy minx._

"You're trying to distract me so I won't yell at you for not taking care of yourself." Joel answered, returning her kiss.

"You know me too well, Doctor Goran," She said with an exhausted sigh.

"Yes ma'am, I do." Joel replied. And as she leaned in to kiss him once more she whispered, "So is it working?"

Joel nodded and gave her a long passionate kiss, "Oh yeah."

 _Works every time._

Alex smiled as Joel pulled away, but didn't let go of her hand, "Why don't I make some of these calls for you while you go upstairs and take a nice hot shower?" He suggested, gently rubbing her neck and shoulders to ease some of the tension that he knew she was carrying there.

" would be nice." Alex said, her voice, trailing off with the sheer force of her exhaustion. It would be ever nicer if you'd join me."

Joel flashed her one of his trademark grins, and answered, "Alex weren't you the one saying that we had too much to do today?"

 _Time flies._

Alex nodded and sighed, "You're right. We don't have time. And the kids will be up soon. Rain check on our next dirty weekend?"

"You got it," Joel replied, taking the sheet of paper from her free hand, just before she went up the stairs.

She was halfway up the stairs when she turned around and looked at him, "Thanks for doing that for me."

"That's what I'm here for, Reid." Joel replied, smiling as he watched her walk in the opposite direction up the stairs.

Forty-five minutes later, Alex came downstairs wearing a black dress, makeup, her dark hair brushed and pulled up in an elegant French twist.

Joel let out a low whistle of appreciation when his wife came downstairs. "Wow, you look like a million bucks, Reid."

"Well, enjoy it now. Because I'm probably never wearing this dress again."

 _Of course she wouldn't._

 _After today that gorgeous dress would only serve as a tangible reminder of her mother's death._

"I know love. I'm sorry. How are you doing? Is there anything I can do?"

 _I'd do anything for you._

Alex shook her head, "You're already doing it. Joel baby I'm fine."

"Are you sure?" Joel asked meeting her gaze, her expertly applied cosmetics making her exhaustion and emotional turmoil almost imperceptible.

But Joel could see it.

 _He could see it in the set of her shoulders._

 _He could hear it in the tone of her voice._

 _He could see it in the way she tried so hard to convince him that she was fine._

 _But he knew she was anything but fine._

Alex glanced at the clock.

 _6:45a.m._

 _Time flies._

Joel followed Alex's gaze as she glanced at the clock. But he grabbed her hand

before she could disappear up the stairs to wake the kids up.

"Alex, look at me." He whispered, the pressure on her hand increasing just slightly. When she looked into his familiar dark eyes, she had to bite her lip to keep the tears at bay.

"Breathe," Joel whispered, his gaze never leaving hers.

As she inhaled and exhaled Alex felt some of the weight on her heart ease, just a little bit.

"It's going to be okay." Joel said softly.

And as Alex closed her eyes and let the comforting familiarity of his voice wash over her, she almost believed him.

"I know," Alex whispered as Joel kissed her forehead and followed her upstairs so that he could shower and get dressed for the service.

 _8:45 a.m._

They were in the car and ready to leave for the tiny church in the small town of Saint Katherine's where Alex and her brothers had grown up.

Joel knew that it was going to be difficult for Alex to go back there. For her, that town was haunted by so many awful memories of her childhood.

 _Her father's suicide._

 _Her mother's drinking._

 _Her brother Luke's drug abuse._

Theo was strapped the car seat making tiny happy baby noises and Alex tried to focus on that instead of the nausea, dizziness, exhaustion, despair, and dread that had been threatening to swallow her whole ever since her brother Doug had called last night with the news.

Joel was in the driver's seat and he waited patiently while Alex buckled her seatbelt and took a deep breath.

"Ready?" Joel asked, as he started the car, and glanced over at Alex.

"As I'm ever going to be I guess." Alex replied, "Thanks for driving."

"You're welcome. You know I drive faster than you anyway, Reid."

Alex laughed but it sounded hollow and forced, "That's why you're sitting in the driver's seat Joel. But no scenic drives. Follow my directions exactly. I refuse to miss my mother's funeral because you suddenly get the urge to make your own jam again."

 _And there it is. The inevitable breakdown that happens whenever you think you're going to be late._

Joel just smiled and answered, "Yes ma'am. I promise we'll be there in plenty of time."

"It's already almost nine and the service starts at eleven."

Joel nodded, "I know." Just sit back and try to relax, Reid."

"I had to tell Charlotte what a funeral was this morning. When I went in her room to wake her up. She told me I looked pretty and she wanted to know why. And I couldn't lie to her, Joel..."

"Of course you couldn't, love." Joel said, pulling her close enough so that her head rested on his shoulder.

"But maybe I shouldn't have told her. Maybe she's too young to understand…She's five years old, Joel. God I'm a train wreck of a parent. Just like my mother was…"

At this, Joel shook his head and stopped Alex's next words with a kiss that took her breath away and whispered, "You're nothing like your mother. You're a wonderful mother. Do you hear me, Alex Reid?"

Alex nodded, relishing in the sensation of Joel's lips on hers, and whispered, "And you're an amazing father Joel Goran. I love you. I love the way you love our kids. I love the way you love me. And I love what you're doing to that suit."

Joel smiled, "Not nearly as much as I love what you're doing to that dress, Reid. And for the record I love you too. Now, kindly stop flirting with me or we really will be late."

This time when Alex smiled it reached her eyes.

Even if they had been late, every second would've been worth it if he could ease her pain, even for just a moment.

They drove the rest of the way to Saint Katherine's in silence. But Joel never let go of her hand.

 _10:45 a.m._

As soon as Alex got out of the car in front of the church, the negative feelings threatened to overwhelm her. She held the handle on Theo's baby seat with one hand, and gripped Joel's hand with the other.

"I don't think you've held my hand that tightly since you were in labor, Reid."

"Which time?" She asked still not loosing her grip.

"Good point," Joel replied, as they followed the steady stream of mourners into the church.

"Want me to let go?" She asked her voice barely above a whisper.

"Not a chance," Joel said, his breath against the shell of her ear making her shiver.

Alex tried to push away the flood of memories that washed over her as she heard the click of her heels against the floor of the church.

 _This was the same church where her parents had been married._

 _This was the same church where she and her brothers had communion and confirmation._

 _This was the same church where her father's funeral had been held._

Joel heard Alex's sharp intake of breath and he glanced over at her as they took their seats near the front on the church, in close proximity to the closed casket.

"We can leave anytime, Reid." He whispered pressing a kiss against her temple as Theo slept in the baby seat at her feet.

Alex nodded as she listened to the elderly priest drone on about how our time on Earth is fleeting and what a beloved wife, mother and dedicated member of the community Charlotte Reid was.

And Alex wondered just who it was that these people were mourning.

Because it certainly wasn't _her_ mother.

 _Her_ mother never participated in church bake sales.

 _Her_ mother never served food at the homeless shelter.

In fact, Alex could recall quite vividly going to the homeless shelter for food when the cupboards were bare and her mother spent all the money they had on booze.

 _Her_ mother never read to children at the local school.

 _Her_ mother had only attended one parent teacher conference in the twelve years that Alex had attended school.

She'd shown up drunk, made a scene and been escorted off the premises.

After that Luke attended all Alex's school functions.

At least until he'd shown up drunk, made a scene and been escorted off the premises.

 _Luke._

Her brother's absence was palpable.

Luke was the one she missed the most.

At the mere thought of him a lump formed in her throat.

Her brothers Doug and Tommy were there but they treated her like a stranger.

 _A stranger._

The woman in the casket wasn't her mother at all.

She was a stranger who Alex had never known.

She'd never known her children and she would never know her grandchildren.

And if Alex could see inside the casket she was confident that the body wouldn't have resembled her mother at all.

Suddenly the church felt hot and oppressive and Alex found herself gasping for breath. Everything around her felt as if it was closing in.

She felt nauseous, dizzy and hot and cold at the same time.

"Alex…" She could hear the concern in Joel's voice but it sounded far away.

"Joel, baby," She whispered, "Get me out of here, _please_."

The next thing she knew she heard Joel's voice in her ear, familiar and reassuring, repeating, "I've got you, love. I've got you." And they were moving fast.

Faster than Alex could've moved on her own in her current distraught emotional state.

Somewhere in the back of her mind she realized that Joel was carrying her.

For a moment she heard Theo crying and then she heard nothing at all.

 _1:00p.m._

Alex blinked into consciousness, and saw that she was in her bedroom at home and Joel was sitting on the bed holding her hand with a very worried look on his face.

He was still in his suit but his tie hung loose around his neck.

"Joel?" She whispered uncertainly. "How'd we get home?

At the sound of her voice, Joel looked up and exhaled. "I drove like a bat out of hell. I almost took you to the hospital. How are you feeling, love?"

"Better. Oh my God, Joel where's Theo?" Alex shouted as she struggled to sit up.

But Joel's muscular arm was suddenly holding her in place.

"Theo's fine, Reid. He's okay. No, lie back. If you pull that I.V. out I _will_ take you to the hospital. You scared me, today, Alex. I thought I was going to lose you."

She looked at her husband and a fresh wave of anguish washed over her.

"Joel, baby. I'm so sorry. Was it a panic attack?" She asked trying in vain to prop herself up on pillows.

Joel nodded, "That plus exhaustion and dehydration. Hence the fluids." His reply was punctuated by kisses. One minute, you were fine. And then you were on the floor gasping and pale. I grabbed you and the baby and brought you home."

"My hero," Alex whispered drowsily, wincing slightly as her husband placed a cool cloth against her forehead.

"And don't you forget it, Reid." Joel replied smiling, "Did you hit your head when you fell?"

"I don't think so," Alex answered, her voice shaking a little. "Joel baby, thank you for getting me out of there. I didn't mean to scare you. Are you mad at me?"

Joel leaned on his elbows and kissed her until she was breathless.

"Does that answer your question Reid?" He asked checking her I.V. and adjusting the covers.

"Yes, it does, Doctor Goran. I love you."

"And I love you too, Doctor Reid. Now get some rest."

"Only if you lie down with me." Alex said already drifting toward sleep.

"Yes ma'am." Joel said, climbing into bed and wrapping his arms around her.

"How long was I out?" Alex mumbled her mind too curious to let her rest.

"It's one in the afternoon." Joel answered kissing her forehead.

 _Time flies._

Alex thought as she drifted off to sleep.


End file.
